I miss the artist version of me.

Is it time to bring her back?

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my journey as a songwriter. For those of you who don’t know, music is my first and forever love. Before anything else, I was a bass player, piano player, singer, and songwriter. For a long time, I thought that was my ultimate dream.

It’s been seven years since my last public performance, and lately, I’ve been asking myself—who was that girl, and where did she go? I’ve caught glimpses of her over the years, but I can’t say that Ashley Xtina ever truly made a comeback. (And let’s be real, she literally can’t—turns out Christina Aguilera trademarked Xtina, so that’s off the table. 😅)

But I miss that version of me. Sure, she was incredibly self-conscious, had no plan for the future, and could barely pay rent. But while she was clueless about a lot of things, Ashley Xtina was fearless. And that’s what made her a great songwriter and artist.

Ashley Xtina made me who I am today. Because of her, I know how to pitch myself, collaborate, research opportunities, and knock on doors until people know what I’m up to. But I also know that being an artist—while also leading a nonprofit in the music industry—burnt me out. Seeing what women go through in the industry (and experiencing some of those things firsthand), feeling the pressure to write music that was marketable, and being told I needed to develop a certain “look” to be appealing to labels and publishers… it was exhausting. It took away the creativity that made me fall in love with music in the first place.

At some point, I started associating music with scarcity. And when my social entrepreneurship venture started growing, I convinced myself that I had to choose between being good at business and being good at music.

I now realize that was the biggest lie I ever told myself.

So now, I’m trying to find my way back to her. Or maybe, a new and improved version of her. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time, but life moves fast—and I don’t want to be afraid of embracing all sides of me. Even if, for now, music is just for me. Even if I don’t get on any stages soon.

It’s funny because, in a way, I’m trying to find my new artist voice and identity. What do I want to sound like? What do I want to write about? And the irony? I help thought leaders do this for a living. But doing the work for ourselves is always the hardest part.

Maybe I don’t have to choose. Maybe Ashley the author (aka La Jefa) and Ashley Xtina can merge into someone new—an artist who writes about identity, love, loss, pivots… all the things we experience but sometimes struggle to talk about. Because let’s be real, it’s often easier to sing about them.

So this year, I’m committing to this journey—to rediscovering my artistry. And if any of this resonates with you, maybe it’s time for you to find your creative outlet, too?

Let’s see where this takes us. 💫

xx